Narcissist Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism. - Mayo Clinic

Please don't confuse healthy self care as selfishness. People who take care of their mind, body, energy are not narcissist. People who have boundaries, ask for what they need and also include your needs are not narcissist. Narcissists are very insecure people who as children were neglected, rejected and abused that they created a separation from others. They did not receive the care and consideration they needed and cannot offer that to others. Loving them does not fill uptheir emptiness, incompleteness and void. This is a disorder.

A narcissist feels incomplete and is looking for that "completeness" outside of himself/herself. This could be through a relationship, food, alcohol, sex, money, power, money and fame. In many cases, all of the above. Anything that will make them feel better. At the deepest part of a narcissist is a void that can't be filled. If they're deeply wounded they will rarely (less than 1%) heal this emptiness.

There are 3 stages of getting hooked into a narcissists world.

The first is the over-evaluation phase. They will be very magnetic, charming, paying attention to you in the beginning to understand what you require. They will pretend to give you what you need at first mirroring you until they have hooked you in. Flowers, dinners, gifts, attention, compliments. This is called love bombing. They will literally "bomb" you with so much energy of love that you will be swimming in it. You are the "one" who completes them in the beginning. You are amazing to them. You are the answer to their void, their soulmate that will fill up that deep hole, finally. This is a false self. Many narcissists have created such a powerful false identity that they can make everyone around them think, feel that they're generous, amazing, kind, caring, thoughtful, everything that we all desire to be ourselves and have in our close circle. They are masters of deception.

During this stage most people's brain chemistry is changing. Your brain is creating chemicals of attachment to the person. After all, when they were love bombing you, you released so many happy hormones that you're looking to recreate that. Your brain releases a surge of serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline, making love feel like a LSD trip. You will avoid a break up at all costs because it resembles a addiction withdrawal. Like a drug addict you will do anything you can to get that high back, even destroying yourself.

Stage two of narcissist magnetism is the devaluation stage. Once they've gotten your attention and you're feeling safe in their love, they will show their true hurt self, but only to you. Their true self is an empty, void, incompleteness that they feel all the time unless their "energetically medicating" themselves. They will become indifferent and silent. Going from wanting your attention to desiring to be left alone. If you try and reach out it irritates them. You're infringing on their private/personal time and you will be ignored, rejected or punished. They're now bored and their void starts to return. They might start looking for another hit, a high through an affair, alcohol, drugs, money etc. They start to project their emotional turmoil onto you. They want an energy hit and don't care if they abuse you to get it or compliment you.

Narcissists are master projectors. Everything is your fault. It's your fault they said what they said, did what they did. If you hadn't, they wouldn't have rejected, judged punished you. They NEVER take responsibility.

You might be very confused during this time. This person showered you with love, adoration, time, energy and now they're distant, annoyed at you for no apparent reason. You're on the emotional roller coaster that is a narcissist's life. He/she might throw you a little attention, love and affection during this time to keep you hooked in so you continue to supply them with energy. I call this the "I'm going crazy stage." Sometimes you're the best thing that ever happened to them and other times you don't even exist. You might start analyzing their behavior trying to figure out if they care for you or not. What you did wrong. Figuring out how to get that attention back, get the person who first loved you back. Children often go into a pleasing, healing, fixing state. They try their hardest to get their abuser to love them. This is the time you RUN if you can! Narcissists can't form healthy bonds with people. You are the supplier of their short lived high. If you stay, you will become a long term source of energy for them. They don't feel any responsibility about how you're being used and no reasoning, anger, discussion will not get you anywhere. If they have to abuse you to get energy they will. You are an object that's job is to make them feel better.

The last stage of narcissist attraction is the discard phase. If you've chosen to get out of the roller coaster, then you are no longer available to supply them energy, attention, time, etc. It's as if you never existed to them. If you're in the relationship you no longer give them the high so they search for a new supply. They will devalue you, smear you in front of others to make themselves look great to others. Their desire is to get attention, good or bad. Many narcissists will abuse their victims while being generous, doing volunteer work, even spiritual work on the outside. Because they are extremely charismatic, they mesmerize people into thinking how wonderful they are. They will lie, manipulate, cheat, steal to get what they want. You are of no consideration in their world. They discard you so easily that it will leave you dazed. Their relationship with you had nothing to do with love rather as a way to get their unfilled energy filled. A void that can never be filled and it's not your responsibility to fill it.

They will create this same pattern of use and abuse every single time. There is no person that can love them enough to change it.

If you are a child of a narcissists all of this applies as well. Quite often children of narcissists grow up addicted to the roller coaster ride of emotions. They are so wounded inside that they might attract the same kind of relationship, friendships, join cults, use drugs, medicate themselves, have body issues, self confidence issues, financial issues and the list goes on and on. By the way, children of narcissists are also their ojects. They are extensions of themselves so demand the same amount of energy supply. Your job as their child is to take away their pain. A pain that you can never heal.

Unlike a narcissists, you have a huge opportunity to heal this deeply wounded part of yourself. You can heal your brain, release the energy that keeps you stuck and create from your own well being, alignment. Being wounded is a choice, not a necessity. This can and will change with your willingness to do the work.